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don't want to be a boy today

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art... [18 Nov 2007|01:23am]
so i have fallen in love with a tattoo artist by the name of yann black. i want some of his art work on my body. i love it. it is so simple and yet so complex. he allows people to just use their body to do whatever he wants. it always comes out amazing. why does he have to be french. i heard of him about a year ago and have just fallen in love with it. if i ever go anywhere near him or if he ever comes to usa i would LOVE to go see him.

on other news i have used so many night and weekend minutes. i have used over 800 minutes. the sad thing is that i don't remembering using that many minutes. i just don't. this past 20 days or so have been a nightmare.

i was told that how ever long you are with someone it takes half the time to get over that person. (ie: if you are with someone for a year, it will take 6 months to get over that person). but the question i have is, what if you know someone for years before you get together. get together for sometime. and then figure out that it doesn't work and break up. how long then will it take to get over that person? i would like to know.

i think it is a very good possibility that i will indeed be alone for the rest of my life. i think i will be ok with that. i always get fucked over in the end. i just don't know...

anyway... i should go and find a bandaid and go to bed. i have to get up early...
love me

fuck girls. [10 Nov 2007|11:28pm]
how do you let go of someone and yet still know that you love them? i feel so confused about everything. i sit here shaking and crying (everyday action now). coming home and punching the wall leaving tiny little red dots on the wall. i must wash it off soon before anyone sees. when will the pain stop? i should have never started anything. just let it go and walk away. so if you cant tell i have been drinking tonight. got a phone call regarding someone who left me to go fuck other people. i question how long she hasnt loved me for. who the fuck would call someone and rub it in. make me question everything when i was already having trouble with it all. so i must say fuck you. it was probably someone she put up to it. maybe the one that she left me for. so i think that is every girl that i have ever been with to leave me. i have only had 3 big relationships and everything else in between was just fun or fuck. my first girlfriend left me for a guy. the second girl never broke up with her girlfriend as i found out after it was all over (even after we were done she still went back to the other girl and tried to work it out). and now this. the 3rd big relationship she left me for another person. fuck this. why can't i just be straight? i don't get it. why can't my life be easy. really i think i should get one relationship that is easy. that i don't get left. i don't think i ever want to get into another relationship. fuck this. i need more vodka. this just isn't doing it. bye guys my skyy vodka is waiting for me.
love me

things [28 Jun 2006|01:45pm]
i miss....

wow. so much has changed...

why doesn't everything stay the same?
1 regret| love me

[29 Aug 2005|02:53pm]
i am done here...
love me

sick of me [29 Aug 2005|02:45pm]
how sick of me
must you be
by now
while you're standing just outside
of what your pride will allow
always reaching into yourself
to find a new way to understand me
when i'm sure that there's no one else
in the world
who could withstand me

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

i took to the stage
with my outrage
in the bad old days
when you were the make-me-mad guy
but the songs
they come out more slowly
now that i am the bad guy
and i say, i'm sorry i'm so crazy
I am astounded by your patience
and you say, believe it or not, baby
the joy you bring me
still outweighs it

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters

and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

how sick of me
must you be
by now?
love me

[28 Aug 2005|12:30am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

o my god i loved it!!!!! i love working there!!!!! i love the people!!!!!!! this is a great job. very easy... very fun... very diverse.

2 regrets| love me

[26 Aug 2005|10:14pm]
[ mood | sore ]

i start tomorrow at 4pm and work till midnight. =) i hope i can stay awake. i am really excited. i got a lot of new things today. i hope they all look ok on me... grandma spent $320 on kris and i am we got about the same thing. mo and sofia and chris got a shirt each but other than that, it was all kris and i. we got a shit load of vhs from grandma. i mean about 300 if not more. i got 4 x-files movies. i saw rae on the way home when we dropped off kris and her and i hugged for about 5 minutes straight. i miss my baby dyke. before we left we traded shirts in the middle of the parking lot. so i am now wearing a batman shirt and she is wearing my fav polo. my black izod one. kayelyn said that she was sorry for yelling at me on the phone. i don't know how i feel about it all yet. i need to talk with rae. i received a text message last night that made me cry more than any other text message has ever before. i was speaking with someone and i was asking her questions and she replied back with if you love someone and let them go and if they return then they are yours forever and if they don't then they weren't yours to begin with. o my god did i cry my eyes out. i don't know how to take that... my first thought was wow... thats mean... but i don't know how to take it. david feels ok.. i only drove part way home and i only started getting sick when trafic got bad. i didn't tell him though... him and i talked when it came time to just him and i... we talked about someone.... well.. 2 people to be exact. i smell like rae. i miss her... i need to see her soon before i go nuts. my baby dyke is getting bigger... she has grown so much. she is a spitting image of me when i was her age. down to gender and sexual orientaion. wow... i miss her.. i miss her falling asleep on my shoulder. she needs to come back to me and i need to go back to her. i guess i should go and take something so i can sleep tonight... i am dying without something. i can't sleep and me being an insomniac is getting worse. i can hardly sleep with aid from pills... my back is still killing me... that long drive didn't help. p.s. i talked with grandma and she said that i (and a few people could stay with her)... he he he

got to go... maybe i can get a back rub out of it...

1 regret| love me

i am an eyesore, i am a detour.... [25 Aug 2005|05:35pm]
sometimes i look at myself and think, man, you're really fucking inadequate.
love me

shit shit and more shit. [25 Aug 2005|12:16pm]
[ mood | sore ]

i feel like i got hit in the back with a baseball bat. it hurts so bad... mostly my left side. i don't think it was from sleeping... i think it was from the kids last night. i didn't sleep so well last night. after i went back to sleep i kept waking up... ::sigh:: i woke up to music blasting... it wasn't good music either. so kris and i watched about 25 kids yesterday with no much other help. i don't know if it was the kids that fucked up my back or if it was the bounce house. o well... i am doing... a ok today. i think i am jsut going to sit here and chill... i am going to be driving about 6-7 hours tomorrow and then time in between... so yeah... i am going to just rest. i don't know if i told you guess yet but i cut my hair... he he he! well i didn't, kris did. it looks alright. i am struggling with not taking pills to sleep... if i don't take anything i don't sleep much if at all and if i do sleep i dream... if i do take something then i sleep and i don't dream (well i don't remember dreaming). kris and i are watcing cat in the hat... i have never seen it.. i saw uncle tim last night. he came over. i fell asleep before he left just like i did last time... i am looking forward to going tomorrow.. it will be nice to get out of town... ooooo i saw jenn the other day! i was so happy! i am going to call her soon. i hadn't seen her in about 2 years. i gaged my ear to a 14. it didn't hurt. so now both my ears are 14g. so yeah... i need to sleep today. i know i am not going to sleep tonight. their was a little girl there last night that i fell in love with. i want to take her home and keep her. she kept coming over to me everytime i went somewhere new. i had a baby in my left arm about 90% of the time last night and trying to deal with every other kid with my right arm. i think i will settle with 2 kids. i want one for sure and then maybe 2=. i don't know how i would divide the love and time with 2 kids. i guess i still need to think about 2 kids. i got an email from julie yesterday. it was so nice to hear from her. i paniced when i saw it in my inbox. i need to call pam today. i miss music. i have been working on gsa less and less recently. i haven't done much in about 2 days. i am going to take it with me to sac. tomorrow. maybe i can get something done. kayelyn and i got in a fight the other day. i didn't want to deal with her childish bullshit and guilt trips so i gave the phone back to kris and she got all pissed off and hung up on kris. later on krs was outside on the pourch and i went out there to go sit with him and kk heard my voice and she started saying "bitch bitch bitch" over and over again and then hung up on kris. i wish that she would just grow up and stop with the guilt trips. i am over her. i do not want to get back with her. i am not going to do that again. i am just tired of drama. i can't handle it. adult relationships are very good. anyway... talk more later.

2 regrets| love me

keep it loose, keep it tight [24 Aug 2005|02:16pm]
Well I walked over the bridge
Into the city where I live and I saw my old landlord
Well we both said hello
There was no where else to go
Cause his rent I couldn’t afford

Well relationships change
Though I think it’s kind of strange how money makes a man grow
Ah, some people they claim if you get enough fame
You live over the rainbow
Over the rainbow
But the people on the street,
Out on buses or on feet
We all got the same blood flow

Oh in society every dollar got a deed
We all need a place that we can go and feel over the rainbow

Some times we forget what we got
And who we are and who we are not
I think we got a chance to make it right
Keep it loose
Keep it tight
Keep it tight

I’m in love with a girl who’s in love with the world
Though I can’t help but follow
Though I know someday she is bound to go away and stay over the rainbow
Got to learn how to let her go
Over the rainbow

But sometimes we forget who we got
Who they are and who they are not

There is so much more in love than black and white
Keep it loose child
You gotta keep tight
Keep it loose child
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
love me

[22 Aug 2005|12:28pm]
that was hard to take...

anyway... kris and i slept together last night.. and the night before... it was nice sleeping next to someone... i missed that... anyway.. i want to go shopping.. i want to go to the mall and just look around.. just to get out and walk around. i feel so lost.. it is odd.. i have been talking to kris more and more and i miss her when she is gone... i am so glad that it is going to be kris, mo and i home alone tonight... a night without sean... i have been working on my ab606 shit. i think it is starting to grow on me.. i have done a little more research about it so i think i am getting a little better with it. anyway.. i need to go check my email and get on with my lunch.. irma said that she was going to buy kris and i lunch for doing work in the office... =) so yay us!
love me

[20 Aug 2005|06:00pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

i saw my baby dyke last night!!! i couldn't get out of the car fastest enough... i gave her the biggest hug!!! i was so happy to see her. it was like all the memories of us on the couch and hanging out at lu'cas's house and everything just came back... i was so happy... but anyway... god it was so good to see her... she has changed and grown into the baby dyke that i would imagine that she would grow into... i am staying the night at chris's house! it is awesome! i really like it here.. i needed to get out of the house. it is nice to be away.. a little bit odd to be out in clovis and so close to my parents. anyway... i got to go i will update more later... love you all... i have so much to post about.

love me

[19 Aug 2005|06:34pm]
i am in the mall on a computer!!!!!
love me

[15 Aug 2005|06:28pm]
[ mood | untouchable ]

i had my conference call today. i think people forgot about the date. we should of had about 15 people on it but we ended up with 5 and a note taker. it was nice though don't get me wrong. i liked it because it wasn't so confusing on voices and i had heard 4 out of 6 voices before and could reconize them. it was good to hear yve's voice and also carolyn. we got a lot more accomplished in our short time then we could of done with all of them on. well march 6th is coming up soon but ens is coming up even quicker. i wonder if robin is working on it yet or do i need to remind her... she might not even know where to begin. i have some quetions about this whole event that i will post later. but for now i will let you all go.

kris... i miss you bro. come home one night and then just up and leave... what the hell. thanks for being there for me last night though... look forward to seeing you again...

julie... i miss you...

rae... i wish i could see you!!!

liv... i miss the super queers... the originals...

lu'cas... i hope you are doing well and have found yourself.

love... never forget.

5 regrets| love me

i loves me some jack! [13 Aug 2005|07:30am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

you know... i think jack jack thinks that he owns me. he comes up to me this morning and starts purring in my ear and wakes me up and everytime i go somewhere, he is right there. i already had the worst night sleep in the world. i should of just taken the sleeping pill dipite me drinking so much. i got fucked up last night and went to bed hella late. so now i am sitting here in my little black boxer things and a bra (what i slept in). i was hot and cold all night. i even went and got another blanket. i love my jack but i really miss my shilo. by the way i am going back to borders for my second interview. i really should work on my GSA shit considering i have a conerence call on monday. i came in last night looked at my binder and saw how fucked up i was and said i am going to bed. i really did have such a good time last night. it was great to get out with people. i think i am going to call diana today. i miss her so much. i need her. my eyes are so swollen from drinking and crying and lack of sleep and i think i am getting sick. anyway. i am going to go because i need to get my gsa shit going before i just fuck up on it all. score i get to see uncle tim tonight. i miss him too. it is always good to see him. i am looking at the kitchen and thinking i do not want to eat but i think i would feel better, right? anyway. love you all!!!

love me

follow through ater the rain [08 Aug 2005|12:09pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

hello all...
things have been really interesting in my life recently. well not recently... or the past 21 years of my life... kayelyn and i had broken up awhile back and i am now out in visalia and loving it... things are going well... i feel that i have grown so much the past month or so and that i have made many new friends and am working on getting some old ones back. i have spoken with diana and frankie and a few others... i guess this is a post to let everyone know that i am still alive and kicking... i have taken a lot of personal time to find myself again and what i want... i missed out on a lot of what life and people have to offer me... i am now finding that. i am so thankful for everyone who is in my life and is helping me do this again... i have found a lot the past few weeks and i have figured a lot out... i am starting to love life and remember all the things that i had missed...

i have gotten your messages that you would like to meet up... i am sorry that i have yet to get back to you on anything and everything... i have been doing a lot of soul searching, i know you understand this because you to have been here.. i have beening trying to figure out what i am going to say to you or even how i feel about everything... i have your number... i will be calling you when i am fully here.. please understand... it is nothing against you... i just have such a long history of us to sort into my mind. i still have a lot to understand and accept... for the irst time in my life i feel so free and clear to think and not be clouded... i really hope you understand... please write me back... i love you... p.s.- my email... tylerjryan@yahoo.com you also might try my gsa email...

8 regrets| love me

[04 Mar 2005|10:08pm]
well yes.
gsa is going well. we have a meeting on monday, late. and tue. anyway. ens is coming up. dear lord i feel like i am running around with my head cut off about it all. we have so much to do and i have learned a lot for my workshop. we only have a few workshops that need to be filled like "how to start and run a gsa" and the new one that we came up with "queer life after high school"... diana came up with that one.

kayelyn and i became members of the church that we have been going to since december. i am so happy about it. i love it there. things are going well in that area. ::sigh and smiles::

work went well... the people! awesome!

mom made meatloaf last night at like 10pm all because i bugged her all day about it. calling her on the phone while i was out and at home. i may of been half asleep while eating it, but holy shit it was good. it was gone by this morning.

kayelyn and i cleaned the room yesterday.. well it carried over to today. and its still not done. i was told to clean the closit out and i did. my part in done. she had the dresser to do. we did wash everything but one load. its nice to have a BIG choice in what you want to wear. going to the thing tomorrow. its an all day event. i am looking forward to monday. i get to see brandon all day!!! lol

so the ens team has been cut down to me, kayelyn, kris, brandon, frankie and diana.

liv sent me a few text messages saying that she didn't want to be part of the gsa again till there was one. or some bull shit like that. anyway. i am tired of her being so flaky. we saw her today. well we were behind her today. she just turned around and smerked at us and walked faster. it looked almost like she was running from us. i tried talking to her. she ignored me. o well. i don't give a shit about her anymore. if she wants to talk shit then do it to my fucking face not behind my back like a coward.

blah. i have to go get in the shower now. i am going to take a rae shower.

rae!!! i miss you!!!!! i love you so much!!!!!!
10 regrets| love me

i hate this keyboard. [22 Jan 2005|06:33pm]
well the love of my life replied to a post that my exgirlfriendposted. she has been pissed at her since i moved in with her. since she won't stop talking about me in her posts. or talks to people that i know and hang out with.

my partner is very intelegent. my god is she. she fights for the right cause and at least knows what laws are. at least has common sence about whats right and would not be a fucking republican and voting for bush, who is against everything i stand for. i fucking hate people who think tey are all powerful for no reason. who has never stood for anything and wouldn't even know how to stand for something. who has had everything handed to them on a fucking silver plater. i don't know how i could of dated someone with these trates. it must of been pitty. thank god i didn't fuck her. i don't think i could. i couldn't even stand hanging out with her let alone kiss her. i felt so bad for her. so many times she called and i didn't pick up. or she would come over and i would pretend to fall asleep because i just wanted her to leave me alone. or someone who would show up to a gsa event afraid of gay people and yet dating a girl. i don't get it. what a dumb fuck. doesn't someone get the hint after awhile. no one liked her. no one out of my family. lu'cas... liv... heather... kris... kayelyn. no one. ome was even like what the fuck were you thinking. god i am glad i am out of merced. damn. no more bullshit. thank god. now i can be happy. how dare some one who is so ignorant about the world around them. who doesn't even know gay people let alone be an activist for it. god, and someone has the testicular fortitude to say someone else is ignorant. fuck that. i guess ignorance must be a bliss... why don't you ask yourself. you sit in your fucking bubble and cry when things get a little hard for you. hard meaning... your not teachers pet. my god. fucking ignorance. you think your smart because you think you can use big words. my god. dumb ass. you really are. you have no idea whats going on around you. your world consists of a small town where people are ignorant as is. my god i am thankful for everything that i have and have been in.. i am so thankful for living in a diverse town. we may have gang fights and what not but at least you know we are diverse. thank god for that.
10 regrets| love me

[21 Jan 2005|06:36pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

so kayelyn and i are doing really well... we just had our one month the other day and i am doing really well here. we are spending the night at kris's place tonight. movie night! SCORE! i went and picked her up from school today. that was fun.

i found out some stuff the other day... i was really disappointed. ::shrugs:: i don't care anymore.

if i had my choice i would beat the shit out of two people. lol...

anyway. gsa. well... i hope things go well... its only about 3 people that really care about expression not surpression. me being one of the main ones. it feels really alone with that. i have been struggling with something else with the gsa. ::shrugs:: i feel so.. odd.

well one of my ex's seems to not be able to get over me. she is stalking me. lol. i wish she would leave me and my family alone. get a life. ::shrugs:: i guess she really doesn't have anything better to do. fuck it. my girlfriend wants to hella fuck her up because she keeps bugging me.

some dumbass keeps bugging kris. she told the bitch off and her only reply was "yup." i laughed so hard when she told me.

i think whats funny is that i moved down here and things were good and then they got better and then worse and now its the best it could be in this situation.

alan, mom, and i went to the school that alan will be changing to... he and i had a talk and i feel i mostly understand that boy. i love him dearly.. even after he walked in on kayelyn and i in a... um... a um... very nice.. um.. yeah.. he just stood there. lol it still makes me laugh to this day. he also came out when i was talking to mom at the kitchen table with some toys that he found in our bedroom. since i moved in i haven't slept alone. i love it. i can't sleep alone anymore. she woke up out of a dead sleep because i left the room for a few minutes today. she got scared because she woke up and i wasn't there.. it was so cute. i just held her and we went and laid back down. i love her.


i love ani... she makes me feel good.

forgive my spelling i have been drinking... he he he

4 regrets| love me

[17 Dec 2004|10:31pm]
hate is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

ab537 is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

so i took this test and i asked lu'cas and kayelyn what the name question was and lu'cas said "people don't call you names" and kayelyn said "fall"... well kayelen's came back with ab537 is love.. wow..
15 regrets| love me

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